coming out
do you think you might be gay?
Sorry to be so direct because I know that thinking about this question can be a bit of a frightener, especially if you've never said the answer out loud. So for the moment, just think the answer inside your head, if that makes it easier. One thing you'll notice is that it feels like a really big deal the first time, but the more you say it, the less difficult it becomes.
This coming-out business sometimes seems rather unfair. Straights don't have to do it, so why should we? Straight people just assume that everyone is straight. Then they get hitched, have children, go to McDonald's and eventually slip peacefully away surrounded by their grandchildren and great-grandchildren... without passing Go, without collecting 200 and, in most cases, without going to jail.
Being gay, however, is a minority pursuit. But don't ever forget that, while there may be more of them than us, it doesn't mean that being straight is 'normal'... it's just very common. So don't worry. Being a gay man or a lesbian (gay women get an extra name all to themselves!) or bisexual isn't good or bad, right or wrong. It just is. But it does mean we do have to go through the very inconvenient step of dealing with other people's ideas about what we're like. And mostly that involves them assuming that we're straight, which we're not. So we have to come out. And put them straight on the matter.
So are you gay? Now there are lots of answers you could give to that... like 'Maybe' or 'I fancy the boy who sits next to me' or 'Girls make me tingle' or 'The secretary of the golf club makes my putter rise' or 'I don't really know' or 'Definitely' or 'Can't wait to find out' or 'I'm terrified even thinking about it'... OK, you could choose one of those but let's try a tentative 'Yes'.
feeling really bad?
If you think you may be gay, it might really get you down. And you might feel very frightened and very alone because you don't know what it means and you're terrified of what other people might think.
I can't say, 'Don't worry,' because you already are worrying. But I can say that you really must try to talk to someone about it. You are not alone in what's going on in your head. Many gay people feel terrible before they come to terms with who they are. This is not because being gay is bad but because society has not always been kind to us and often hasn't made us feel very welcome. But other gay people will and so will many, many straight people. So please get some support.
If you just want to talk to another gay person, try ringing your local gay switchboard, which will be listed in the phonebook. And in the information section, there are the phone numbers of helplines where someone will be there for you, completely confidentially. Talk to them. Don't be beaten by these feelings of fear or depression. Try to believe in yourself enough to get to that phone and call someone. It'll be worth it.
maybe you're bisexual
What if you don't feel gay but you don't feel straight either? What if you have that full-on stomach flutter for the prettiest girl in the class and the horniest man in the canteen... what if you want to be a tile on the wall of both the boys' and the girls' showers? Well, you may not be gay or straight, you may be both.
You will hear a lot of chat about teenagers 'going through a phase' and 'experimenting' before they settle down. Usually the people who talk like this expect that eventually you'll opt for Friday night takeaways, 2.4 kids and married bliss. Although sometimes the hipper among them accept cheerily that you might be gay and settle down to Friday night takeaways, 2.4 cats and unmarried bliss.
But bi-sexuals are often left feeling that they just aren't trying hard enough. That they should damn well make up their mind and fit neatly into a world of strict categories. But don't be pressurised into either camp by gays or straights if you feel you're bi.
And don't forget there's sex and then there's relationships. If you've decided at any particular time in your life that you've fallen for someone of the same sex and are going out with them, then the normal rules apply whether you're bi or gay. Be honest with them and be faithful. Most people feel that being faithful is better than playing around.
But sometimes there's added pressure for bi-sexuals. Some say that they feel a little strained because the 'other side' of their sexuality is unfulfilled. Well, a male friend of mine who now lives with a woman says he satisfies that by playing sport with other men and going to the gym. It may work for you. Like a lot of people, gay, straight or bi, window shopping is enough for him.
But bi-sexuals say the most common difficulty is when they are unable to be honest. Maybe you are going out with someone and you just can't tell them because you think they might feel hurt or undermined or just plain angry. Or you're single and everybody thinks you're straight. And so the temptation is to go off and have gay sex secretly meeting through phone lines, in loos, cruising resorts, pubs, clubs... wherever. No harm in that, except that secrecy can be a terrible burden. Also, if you're not owning up to having gay sex and you're doing it on the sly, sometimes that means you don't take enough care to be safe. Always take precautions.
Just one further thing, and this really does happen. Sometimes everybody thinks you're gay but you feel you'd like to get into a bit of straight sex. And the big fear is the gay gang you hang around with might not take it too well. Well, follow your heart! They'll catch up. It may be a little difficult for your new partner at first, but you'll be surprised how quickly your ex-girlfriend gets on with your new boyfriend or vice versa... In fact, they'll be ganging up and both teasing you sooner than you can say 'how flattering to be the centre of everyone's attention'!
do you want to tell anybody?
Now you've 'come out' to yourself. Good job! It probably doesn't feel that different. I mean, it's not like, now you've decided you're gay or lesbian or bi, someone's going to give you a gay card with an instant gay or lesbian identity. You don't have to like Kylie Minogue, get a frock if you're a man or a tractor if you're a woman. Gay people come in all sizes white, black, Asian, Oriental, Eskimo, Native American... It's a big gay Tower of Babel out there with all cultures and all walks of life.
So don't forget that you're you, and now you've started to put the gay thing out of the way, you can get on with being just that. The only trouble is that you may find, when you tell someone else, they'll want to put you in a box. Resist this. Don't be a stereotype. Always stay true to yourself.
Now that you've opened up the possibility of following what you feel is in your heart, you'll probably want to tell someone. You don't have to, but if you do, here's a word of advice: not everyone you tell will think that Christmas has come! Some people will jump up and down at the news and think it's great, but others will think you're the devil himself, and a few and we really love these won't think it makes any difference at all. The most difficult thing about all this is that it's not always easy to predict how anyone will react.
So while coming out will probably feel like a great relief, it may also make you a bit tense for a while. You may feel apprehensive about telling the crowd you hang with because there may be guys or girls who you think may become aggressive about it. They may think it's trendy for pop stars, but they may not like you being gay. They may tease you; they may even try to hurt you. At work, you may worry that your boss will be nasty to you or deny you promotion, if you tell him/her. If you are the boss or the manager, you may worry that your authority will be undermined, that people will gossip behind your back. If you have kids, you may be frightened that being gay will be used by your co-parent or your parents-in-law or even your own parents to say that you're not fit to be a mum or dad.
These are the worst-case scenarios. All of them have happened, and as long as some people feel angry and hostile towards gay men and women, they will go on happening. But try to keep your head; don't let anxiety overcome you. In most cases, it'll be absolutely fine. You've just got to be a bit sensible in the face of this kind of stupidity.
First of all, think carefully about who you trust and just tell them. Get some troops on your side. Even if there's no trouble ahead, it'll make you feel good because the people who go on liking or loving you are the ones you will know are your real friends. If it looks like there might be a problem, give one of the helplines listed in the information section a ring. They'll know exactly how to advise you.
As a general rule, don't just leap in. Be prepared. Try to think what people's reactions might be. And decide how much you want to tell them. For instance, you may not want to let on whether you've had sex, or who with or where. Don't say anything you don't want to.
And be gentle. Remember it'll be them, not you, who might have a problem about you being gay. So maybe try to drop a few hints first to test the water (boys put a cherry in your pint; girls start watching Ellen). Try not to bounce people into it. I mean, don't sit at Christmas lunch with all the family and say loudly: 'Can you pass the salt... to a homosexual?'
They are probably the easiest people to tell. Tell your closest and oldest friends first. They will probably feel very protective towards you. Of course, some may react badly. They may worry about being thought gay themselves and, I'm afraid, you may just lose their friendship. But on the whole, trust your friends. They will be your greatest allies.
If you're young, your friends may well just find your being gay kind of intriguing but reasonably ordinary. Don't expect fanfares as if you're something special!
If you're older, you may be more nervous, if only because your friends have thought you're straight for longer. But really close friends may feel very proud and touched that you've chosen to tell them.
school mates
I'm sorry if this sounds alarmist, but watch out for bullies and make sure you know a sympathetic teacher.
It can be tough at school. Most people these days have all seen EastEnders, Hollyoaks, In&Out, My Best Friend's Wedding and all the other gay people on TV or in the movies, so they should be quite used to the idea. If they're not, they're idiots... but, sadly, some of them are. So just look after yourself and don't tell anyone at all unless you feel confident.
college mates
Most colleges nowadays have an LGBT Society just like the one here in DIT. Join even if you leave seconds later. That way you'll meet people. It tends to be much easier to come out at college. And who knows: you may meet your first love. (Make 'aaaah' sounds now and think of little puppies...)
If you're in a club or a society or a sports team or you're the Dublin ping-pong champ, or Ms Pottery Evening Class or whatever, just get one thing straight in your head. You're no different from the prop forward or the bridge demon or the tennis doubles partner or the gardener you were before you came out.
You do these things because they're a laugh. And nothing is going to get in the way of that. This is a classic time to remember that being gay is not all of you. It's just one bit and it definitely shouldn't affect the way you climb a mountain or sail a boat. If you do have trouble, look in the gay press, check out OUThouse on Capel Street and see if you can find a gay or lesbian club devoted to your interest. You'll be amazed at what's available!
work colleagues
Has anyone else come out in your workplace? How did it go down? Who was OK about it? Why not try to tell them about yourself first?
And don't feel obliged to come out. Work is not your private life and you may want to keep the two separate. But don't get yourself into the position where you have to lie. It horribly uncomfortable. There's nothing worse than being asked to dinner or the pub and 'Do bring your girlfriend/boyfriend' when you haven't got one and never will. Just think ahead about what you would want to do in that situation. And do what makes you feel comfortable.
If your job involves kids, be careful: people can be very bigoted about gay people. So just watch out and don't let them give you a hard time. Make sure your boss, if she or he's sympathetic, or your trade union rep knows and will stand up for you if there's trouble. Your union may have a gay and lesbian section.
family
This can be a tricky one. Mainly because, by telling them, you will probably knock their expectations. For one thing, most parents expect to have grandchildren. Now, you may well one day have kids, but your average stick-in-the-mud grown-up doesn't tend to have that possibility in the 'gay file' in their brain.
Second, don't forget: you may be 15 or 25 or 55 but you're still their 'little girl' or 'little boy'. Parents don't find it easy to think about their kids having sex anyway, let alone having gay sex. They've heard all sorts of dreadful rumours and scurrilous, ill-informed gossip about what we 'do in bed' so they may be shocked. My suggestion would be to avoid discussing your sex life with your parents, whether you're gay, straight or in a religious order. It's none of their business.
Now, if you do want to tell your parents, try to be compassionate. They know far less about it all than you, and they may need time. You may want to write to them so that they have a chance to talk to each other first. Or you may want to sit them down and tell them face to face. Try not to make it a confrontation of any kind.
If they have found out already because they've discovered your gay mags under the bed, or a neighbour saw you at the local gay pub or snogging your work mate, or whatever and they confront you, your best bet is to come clean. This may be very frightening. In the worst possible case, they may really over-react and throw you out if you're living at home. Don't panic. I know that's easy to say, but do try to stay calm underneath the tears and the turmoil. Either find a friend to stay with until your mum and dad get back on their trolley. Or phone one of the helplines you can find in the information section and ask for advice.
Before you do any of this with your parents, you may find it easier to tell your brothers or sisters. There's no guarantee that they'll be Mr and Ms Hipster about it, and they might just freak out because you share a room with them, or it makes them think they're gay, or they think their friends are going to give them a hard time or whatever. Don't forget that you might be dealing with morons here. Who knows? But think about it. You should have a pretty good idea of what they're like. And don't forget that brothers or sisters who feel easy about you being gay can be a great help in calming parents.
heterosexual partners
You don't have to be an agony aunt to know that telling your fiancι or wife or husband that, in fact, you're gay or lesbian can be a bit delicate. So do realise that they might feel very let down or rejected and that they might become very angry. Perhaps they feel you've cheated them somehow. So be gentle. You probably do love them, even if not sexually. So try to respect that love, and them. And you won't be the first couple this has happened to.
your kids
Tread carefully. How old are your kids? What will they understand? How will being a bit different (that is, having a gay parent) affect them at school? Would it be helpful to tell their teacher in case they get any trouble from other kids? It's much more important that your children are happy than it is that you tell them you're gay. You may want to wait, follow their natural curiosity and just answer their questions as they come up. Lots of parents have gone through this, so call one of the helplines and find someone to talk to. The advice you receive will be invaluable and confidential.
does AIDS frighten you?
Your family may, of course, be worried about AIDS. And so might you. So let's say one thing right out. AIDS develops from HIV, which can be contracted as a result of unprotected sex. There are some rules about having sex (see below) and there are very experienced and friendly people around to give you advice (see the information section). If you don't know, then ask. Ignorance in life is generally a bad thing (although you may do well never to find out about folk dancing). If you're worried about AIDS, always ask for advice, and above all, never do anything sexually that you don't want to. That's never, ever.
AIDS frightens us all. But since it first appeared on the scene, a great deal of research has been done, and there is a lot of good advice about how to avoid the risk of infection.
HIV is the virus that can lead to AIDS and it can be passed on through sex. Even if you're not thinking of having sex for a while, be a little Boy Scout or Girl Guide be prepared! These are the basics as far as sexual transmission is concerned:
- HIV is found in blood and in semen (men) and vaginal fluid (women).
- Sex that lets any of these into your body is a risk for HIV infection/AIDS.
- Having anal sex and not using a strong condom is the highest-risk thing to do for both partners.
- Oral sex is believed to cause HIV infection only rarely and so is classed as 'safer sex'. However, to be extra careful, avoid it.
- There is no risk of HIV infection from kissing or masturbation.
- If you want to know more about what precautions to take, phone a helpline and ask.
Do not do anything sexual that you do not want to do. Use your head at all times.
what next?
Well, Rule No. One is: Don't rush it, if you don't want to. Take things at your own pace. And don't feel that you've got to fit into the gay scene and speed off to your nearest gay bar. You may not like bars. Or you may like bars but you want to go to the ones you've always gone to with the friends you've always had. Don't be bullied by some image you might have in your mind about how to be gay. And anyway, these days, gay bars are not all the same. So find one you like. And if you feel nervous about going to a bar or a club, take a friend with you. Nowadays, clubs and pubs are very mixed: gay/straight, male/female. This can be great, although occasionally confusing when you fancy the boy by the bar and he turns out to be dating the girl that the lesbian next to you is getting hot and bothered about. But wow, folks, it is a new millennium.
On the other hand, if you can't wait to dive fully naked into the gay scene and go clubbing every night, have sex, join an equality campaign, call all men 'darling' and slap all women on the back, then be our guest. Just do what feels good for you.
A good way to begin is to get one of the gay mags or papers, buy one in a shop or pick up one of the many free gay mags that can usually be found lurking around your colleges student union and most gay hang out places like GCN, Free! and Scene City. They have listings of all the gay pubs, clubs, helplines, sex lines (which are expensive and will show up on your phone bill, so you've been warned!)... in fact, the lot. You can get the Gay Times and Diva in most newsagents although the copies are often put on the top shelf and you feel like you're buying porn. Well, you're not.
Sometimes it takes a bit of courage to go up to the counter and ask for a gay publication, and you may not want to do it at your local newsagent, particularly if you haven't told your family or friends yet. So if you don't feel confident about buying a paper, phone the gay switchboard, which is listed in the information section
People often feel that gay clubs are very youth-oriented, and they often are. But look, as far as we know there's no youth serum in the world, so you're stuck with your age. Enjoy it whether you're 16 or 76. And the first time you go to a pub or club, you might just feel great about it, a real sense that you've 'come home'. But you might feel nervous. So try to relax, try and talk to someone and don't feel you have to chat them up or aim for sex with them. Go easy on yourself you've got the rest of your life to enjoy being gay.
Don't feel weird about going to clubs and pubs as if they're just illicit places to meet people for sex. You're just doing what everybody else gay or straight has been doing on every night of the week since Eve gave Adam a Granny Smith's. Don't feel guilty. And don't feel sex is the only reason for going.
There are also tons of gay and lesbian clubs and campaigns and groups. So you don't have to meet other gay people by the bar. You can meet them halfway up a mountain or lobbying the Dαil. Look in the listings in the gay press.
what to do if your parents throw a wobbler
Well, we need to get them help.
Often parents can't cope because they're very religious. There is a lesbian and gay Christian movement and there is nothing, despite what people say, to stop you being gay and religious. In fact, in the case of many vicars, quite the reverse seems to be true.
In general, it might be good, before you tell your parents, to have a friend on standby, in case anything goes wrong. If your parents get violent or try to take you to the priest or the doctor, resist. They have no legal power over you to do anything about the fact that you're gay. Nothing will stop you being gay because you are. And they probably just need calming down. But if you do need legal advice and, remember, your parents have no rights over you call your local gay switchboard.
what to do if your parents don't throw a wobbler
Celebrate and offer to rent them out to anybody whose parents aren't coping well. Seriously, if they are fine about it, they can be a huge help to others. You will find that, if your parents are known to have no problem about you being gay, other friends will come and talk to them if they feel worried.
what to do if you're ethnically enhanced trad families can be a nightmare
In many of the minority communities in Ireland, being gay can be particularly difficult because of the strong emphasis on traditional family and marriage. The family may be doubly important and very tightly knit because it can protect its members from the effects of racism. So telling your family that you're gay if you're Asian or West Indian might feel trebly difficult. You may end up feeling excluded from your own community.
However, remember that, even if it's really difficult for you, other people have done it before. There are groups of Asian and black gay people you can phone or go along to meet. Their experiences will help you. And who knows? You might meet someone. Then you can go back to your parents and tell them that you're gay, but the good news is that you're going out with another black guy/girl!
what the law says
Unfortunately we're not as lucky as our counterparts in the UK and other parts of the world just yet. We can't get married, have civil unions, all that jazz. Senator Norris is currently working on a bill that should be passing through sometime soon that may just change all that for the better so watch this space.
Yes, that's very formal because it's all to do with tax, inheritance rights, rights of the partner and so forth, but it's just to give us equal rights to heterosexual couples. But other than that all people in Ireland are lucky enough to be given inalienable human rights. You have the same legal rights to live your life like anybody else in this country so no worries there!
But don't feel that means you have to. Just do what feels right to you. And don't forget that whether you're gay or straight you can always say no to someone who wants to have sex with you when you don't.
take it easy
- Beware drugs and alcohol in the previously mentioned palaces of pleasure. Make sure you know the effects of anything you drink or take.
- If you go home with someone, always make sure you have safe sex and if you don't know what that means, ring one of the helplines for advice (see the information section).
If you're gay, you may be a fairy but coming out isn't a magic wand. Just coming to terms with your lesbian or gay sexuality can create problems in the short term. So take it easy. Don't expect some magical world to open up immediately. But, on the other hand, it will be a lot, lot, lot better than being trapped in a twilight zone of indecision in your own mind.
Coming out is not some cure-all for every problem in your world. Don't forget you're still the same person both sides of the line.
yahoo! I'm alive!
You're home free. Now the really difficult bit starts. You have to get on with the business of living and being as happy or stimulated or lazy or brilliant or stupid as you can and fulfill whatever your destiny holds for you.
There aren't any rules, but being gay can throw up problems that others don't have to deal with. These problems are mainly the result of prejudice from other people and you will have to find your own way of dealing with them. Things have changed enormously for the better in recent years, but we still don't live in a land where everybody gets sweeties and gum. And we probably never will. But remember one thing: being gay doesn't make you good or bad, right or wrong, happy or unhappy... those are just decisions you have to make once you've got used to being gay. So great good gay luck to you!
